Everyone's worst dream came true for my friend this week. She was told she wasn't good enough. There are a lot of gory details that go along with that, but after I mulled it over, trying to figure out why her situation hurt so bad, why it felt so wrong, what all the horrible words meant... That's what it boiled down to. She was told she wasn't good enough, and worse, someone else was good enough. At first I thought, "every girls worst nightmare". Then immediately, "No, everyone's worst nightmare!" I just wanted to scream for her, "I KNOW I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! BUT YOU AREN'T EITHER, SO LOVE ME ANYWAY!"
Isn't that what it's about? Admitting that we are a mess, that we have faults, acknowledging that the other person isn't perfect either, and choosing to commit to that mess, in the face of all odds? Knowing that along with that we also get the forgiveness, and the beauty that does exist? After committing your life to someone else, telling them they aren't "good enough" is a cop out. It just means that you think it is too hard. You are tired of trying, you are too weak to find what is good and beautiful and true. I'm not talking about cases of real abuse, or neglect. I'm talking about the, "we grew apart" bollox . "We were just going in different directions." "The connection just isn't there anymore." "We ran out of things to talk about."
I know, what do I know about commitment, I've only been married less than four years. Well I know that I've been the one who has told my husband, "you aren't good enough," in much more disgusting language. I know that most of the time I said it because I was afraid he was going to tell me that I wasn't good enough, and I wanted to say it first. I also know that it is no big news that I am not good enough. I haven't been "good enough" my whole life, but I know that I am loved. I have been loved much and I am loved well, despite my best efforts to push people away, despite my faults, and mess and drama. And I know that not extending that same gift, that same grace that I've been given over and over, to anyone, let alone the man that I've promised to stand by "til death due us part", is being cheap, and weak, and and less than human.
Telling someone they aren't good enough, is saying, "You are just like me, but I'm too proud to see it. This is hard and I'm tired of fighting for you. I have bought into the lie that there is something better than this and that I will be happier if I leave you." When I am the one saying "You aren't good enough", if I think about it for half a second, I realize I am damn lucky that Tim is still there.
If you are the one telling someone, who is on their knees, begging you to love them back, that they aren't good enough, I plead with you, go back and fight for their heart. And if you are the one being told you aren't good enough, that is a lie. Someone has given their life for you. Someone has claimed you not only has "good enough", but the best, beloved, precious, cherished, amazing, and no one else has any power to tell you different. So I plead with you, go back and fight for your confidence so that you can reclaim the heart of the one you love, because they are just as broken and in need of your rescue as you are of theirs.
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