Everyone's worst dream came true for my friend this week. She was told she wasn't good enough. There are a lot of gory details that go along with that, but after I mulled it over, trying to figure out why her situation hurt so bad, why it felt so wrong, what all the horrible words meant... That's what it boiled down to. She was told she wasn't good enough, and worse, someone else was good enough. At first I thought, "every girls worst nightmare". Then immediately, "No, everyone's worst nightmare!" I just wanted to scream for her, "I KNOW I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH! BUT YOU AREN'T EITHER, SO LOVE ME ANYWAY!"
Isn't that what it's about? Admitting that we are a mess, that we have faults, acknowledging that the other person isn't perfect either, and choosing to commit to that mess, in the face of all odds? Knowing that along with that we also get the forgiveness, and the beauty that does exist? After committing your life to someone else, telling them they aren't "good enough" is a cop out. It just means that you think it is too hard. You are tired of trying, you are too weak to find what is good and beautiful and true. I'm not talking about cases of real abuse, or neglect. I'm talking about the, "we grew apart" bollox . "We were just going in different directions." "The connection just isn't there anymore." "We ran out of things to talk about."
I know, what do I know about commitment, I've only been married less than four years. Well I know that I've been the one who has told my husband, "you aren't good enough," in much more disgusting language. I know that most of the time I said it because I was afraid he was going to tell me that I wasn't good enough, and I wanted to say it first. I also know that it is no big news that I am not good enough. I haven't been "good enough" my whole life, but I know that I am loved. I have been loved much and I am loved well, despite my best efforts to push people away, despite my faults, and mess and drama. And I know that not extending that same gift, that same grace that I've been given over and over, to anyone, let alone the man that I've promised to stand by "til death due us part", is being cheap, and weak, and and less than human.
Telling someone they aren't good enough, is saying, "You are just like me, but I'm too proud to see it. This is hard and I'm tired of fighting for you. I have bought into the lie that there is something better than this and that I will be happier if I leave you." When I am the one saying "You aren't good enough", if I think about it for half a second, I realize I am damn lucky that Tim is still there.
If you are the one telling someone, who is on their knees, begging you to love them back, that they aren't good enough, I plead with you, go back and fight for their heart. And if you are the one being told you aren't good enough, that is a lie. Someone has given their life for you. Someone has claimed you not only has "good enough", but the best, beloved, precious, cherished, amazing, and no one else has any power to tell you different. So I plead with you, go back and fight for your confidence so that you can reclaim the heart of the one you love, because they are just as broken and in need of your rescue as you are of theirs.
Posts
6 comments:
Thanks Bailey.
hannah
I've decided that there is nothing up in the air about it, we are friends. It doesn't matter that we don't really know each other. You're too cool for me to pass up. I'm glad you had an awesome birthday!
You're right- saying someone isn't good enough is a cop out and a lie. It's something I've experienced a lot in many areas of my life. I think that the truth is, at least in romantic relationships, we tend to think someone has to be wrong if it doesn't work. Sometimes, we're just flawed and it won't work. We aren't the right one for the one we want to be right for. And, since that's messy and requires long conversations and lots of questions and admissions of weakness, we say, "you aren't good enough." It's such a lie that it makes my stomach turn, both because it's so untrue and so painful to the hearer.
I agree that a lot of times we should fight harder. But, a lot of times, we should just tell the truth instead of making stuff up to make ourselves feel better while demolishing the other person's spirit. Why is it so hard for us to just say, "hey, we aren't right for each other"?
At least we can know one thing. If someone says that, and really means it (not just out of fear or hurt feelings), they aren't the one. God has better for us! God made us so precious, and I believe he wouldn't want us to settle for anyone who thinks we are less.
Annie
Annie,
I agree with you on all counts when it comes to dating realtionships dating realationships. I guess I was more addressing marraige, and the long term realationship where people need security before they can work things out. Telling someone if they don't change, you want a divorce might only change them out of fear. If the "D" word is never mentioned, then you can change out of love and respect for the other person and work on communicating your differences with out the fear of the other person just taking off if they don't like the way things are going. Once again, I'm not talking about situations of true abuse, or neglect. Just your everyday couples that think that not having the same interests is enough to leave someone.
I agree. Marriage is a different story. To me, once you're married, you're family. It's the equivalent of telling your grandma or your child they aren't good enough. Unless there is abuse or neglect, it's just an excuse to behave badly.
(For me, being single, that's the scary thing about marriage. The vows mean that we agree to work those things out. Unlike all other relationships, there is no option to walk away. While I know that's what I mean, it's hard to know if that's what someone else means.)
And, although I don't know anything about anything, I think it's foolish to think that you can walk away from someone and be happy. You're deciding not to grow and learn. In ALL relationships, conflict is what usually cements things. At least in my experience, I have truly known someone was a friend or real family when we went through conflict and came out the other side. To expect never to have that, is to miss out on a great part of love. That part that says, "I love you when you disagree, or bore me, or drive me nuts. You can count on me."
But, like I said, I don't know anything about anything. So, sorry if I'm butting in; I'm certainly no expert on love or relationships. I do know, that God hold us together and give us boundless mercy through even the toughest times in relationships.
Wow, what a beautiful blog. Thanks for sharing your heart via the internet. That pisses me off too. The world is so full of lies, and I am constantly reminded of how thankful I am to have Jon and a relationship with Christ in it. Being married has made me realize that sometimes it would be way easier to just give up and quit, but guess what, life isn't easy and no one ever said it would be. Marriage is hard and if someone isn't ready for conflict and ready to see how much they stink then they shouldnt get married. It of course has way more blessings than negatives, but to your friend who was given up on...my heart goes out to you. I am so thankful that even though I am not good enough, the Lord doesnt quit on me. Love you girl!
Bay,
Not being good enough is always painful and I fight my fear of it daily...in everything (not just relationships). However, the truth is I am not good enough and never will be, at anything. That's why I need a Savor.....for everything.
genese
Post a Comment